It may be time to let go...
"What is the worst that can happen if you let go?"
A dear friend asked me this question as I was agonizing over an important career decision. We were standing in line to pick up lunch at a hole-in-the-wall Indian eatery. It was a breezy summer afternoon, and mouthwatering aromas of curries filled the place.
I had just told her about a project that I had been working on for a few years. I had started working on the project with great enthusiasm. It had held much promise for the business and was terribly exciting. Over time though, it lost its luster. The business had moved on, and there were other more powerful opportunities to pursue. I had lost all passion for it.
However, I did not stop working on it. Day after day, I endeavored. The more time I spent time on the project, the more disinterested I became and the more miserable I felt. And yet, I held on.
This tendency to hold on - not give up or let go - is not new to me. I am a chronic serial finisher, and CANNOT give up easily. You may think that this is a good thing, and many times it is.
In 2002, I set my eyes on becoming a marathoner and signed up for the Seattle marathon. I put all my energy into it and trained hard. A month into my training, I developed stress fractures on both my legs and had to stop running. I couldn't get back to running for another two months. But then I did....and trained for the same marathon again, and - alas - got hurt again. I felt angry and dejected. I had failed before I even got to the start line. But giving up on the dream was not an option. I strengthened my resolve as I was nursing my injury.
Finally - after two mistrials - one July day in 2012, I did it. I completed my first marathon and I felt unparalleled joy and pride. I had got to the summit of my own Everest. This is still an accomplishment that I hold dear to my heart.
It was a good thing I didn't give up on my dream of running marathons. However, there are many times this tendency to never, ever give up is not a good thing. For example:
I finish every book I start no matter how miserable I feel reading it. The number of times I plod through books that evoke in me a keen sense of resentment for the author is countless.
I hold on material things I buy long after they have lost their usefulness or beauty. At this point, they are just clutter that make me feel not so good about myself.
I strive at projects that I do not have passion for anymore.
But why do I do it? There are several explanations in behavioral science. Humans are generally loss-averse: the pain of losing something is twice as acute as the delight in gaining the same thing when you didn't possess it. We worry about a future where we do not have the thing we now have. This future is unknown, and humans fear the unknown. Giving up on something you have nourished for a while also evokes the discomfort of sunk cost fallacy . Abandoning after you have sunk time and effort into it feels wasteful.
What we don't realize, though, is how loss aversion and holding on due to sunk cost are irrational behaviors. They are left-overs from our primal past, when small losses could mean huge catastrophes. It doesn't help us to make important life choices informed by that baggage.
So how do we overcome these irrational behaviors and get ourselves to let go when necessary? Here is what I have tried that can help:
- First, mindfully evaluate the activity/relationship/thing you are having trouble letting go. When you bring it to mind, what do you feel? If you do not feel joy - and instead you have worry, resentment, boredom or any negative feeling - then set an intention to let go of it NOW.
- Ask the question that my friend asked: what is the worst that can happen if you let go? Will it be a catastrophic loss you cannot recover from? More often than not, this is not true and you realize it as soon as you ask that question of yourself consciously.
- Ask yourself: if you did not have it with you already, will you go and seek it now? If you will not, why are you keeping it?
- As you think about letting it go, acknowledge any emotions that come up. Fear of future, regret about the past, and anxiety are natural feelings that can arise, and it is ok for you to feel them. These will dissipate as you feel the freedom of letting go.
- Finally, just do the deed: let go.
Some things - like stopping to read a book you hate - may require less effort. Some things - like ending a joyless relationship or project - may take repeated reflection and meditation. It took a few mindful reflection sessions before I could stop working on my project, but I am happy to say that I did.
In the end, I realized as I was talking to my friend that life is not a ledger to be filled with tick marks against goals and activities. No one is evaluating you for finishing everything you start, regardless how you feel. Life is meant to be lived well, happily and with meaning. If something you're holding on to goes against that rule, it is time to jettison it.
Trust me - when you do, you'll feel free and joyous.