What happens when your peer advances and you don't
What is your first reaction when you hear that a friend or a colleague just got promoted? Do you instantly compare yourself to them? Do you feel an ugly sense of anger, shame, or disappointment with yourself?
This was the topic of a recent conversation. It was a stormy Friday evening in December. The wind outside was whipping my windows with rainwater. I was having a one-on-one meeting with a young woman that I mentor at work, whom we shall call Ashley. Ashley had just heard that her friend - someone she had graduated with from college - was getting promoted to the Principal level at Microsoft. When she heard the news, Ashley mouthed words of congrats to her friend. Then she quickly turned a glaring white spotlight on herself. She felt bad about her own progress and wondered why she was not as successful as her friend.
As soon as she asked that question, she became suffused with unpleasant feelings. Her head clouded up, she lost interest in her work, and she even questioned if she belonged in this field at all. What began as a friendly conversation between her friend and her threatened to become a crisis in her career. But Ashley was keen enough to notice her tobogganing descent into this unhappy place. She realized she had to stop the slide and stop feeling bad. That's when she called me.
Comparisons and envy come up a lot in my conversations, not just with Ashley that day.
There are, of course, many nefarious reasons why some people - especially the ones that are quieter, that are minorties in tech - can get recognized less than others. But Ashley was not there to talk about these systemic issues in the industry. She was also not talking about her own ambitions. Personal goals and ambitions, in my view, rarely have anything to do with comparisons with others. Ashley, instead, wanted to talk about her state of mind. How she was reacting to her friend's news and what she can do about it.
Let's start by looking at why we compare and contrast our lives with others. A lot of us in our industry have been schooled in competition and we revel in it. Our schools graded us on a curve. Only one boy or girl could hold the highest rank in class. Our teachers pinned little stars in our notebooks when we did well. We got little trinkets to celebrate our excellence. There could only be one winner in most sports, and that winner got all the glory. Slowly, this engineering shaped us.
Many of us have come to believe that external validation is what makes us worthy.
We have come to crave the adult version of those stars and trinkets: promotions, compliments, awards, and so on. We compare constantly. Is his child doing better than mine? Is she slimmer than me? Is he more liked? Social media fuels and stokes this burning unrest in our hearts and makes us ceaselessly unsure of ourselves.
Of course, I'm no stranger to this comparison habit. I grew up with a brother and many cousins, and I breathed comparison like it was oxygen. I wanted to sing better than my cousin, get better test scores than my brother, have prettier clothes than my friends. Later in my life too, I compared and benchmarked my life against others. But I have also come to realize that envy is generally an unworthy, harmful, unproductive, and irrational emotion.
Let's think: how does envy REALLY help? There are emotions that can rattle you into action. When you feel angry, for example, you might be railing against an injustice that needs to be corrected. Your anger can spur you to do that. Love could be a compass pointing to safety, comfort, and other good things in life. But envy? It generally makes you feel bad about yourself and gets your blood pressure to rise. Your future actions get muddled and your hopes diminish. There are times when envy prompts you to evaluate your situation objectively and leave toxic ones, but more often than not, you are just paralyzed by the feeling.
So how do you deal with this futile emotion?
Firstly, like Ashley did, become aware of what is going on inside you. Give yourself a time-out and go sit mindfully with your breath. Maybe for ten minutes, maybe for twenty. Breathe in, breathe out, and watch the emotion spread in your mind like a drop of black ink spilled on cream paper. Then reason over it. Tell yourself why the comparison doesn't make any sense. Your journey in life is distinct and different from anyone else's. Comparing your journey to others' is as absurd as comparing Jane Eyre's life with Lisbeth Salander's. There are things others have that you don't, and vice versa, and that is ok. Feeling envy won't magically lift you up or make your suffering disappear. In fact, quite the opposite.
Remind yourself that, regardless of what those stars and awards would have you believe, your value comes from within. You're a valuable person no matter your status, the number of cars you own, the number of pearls in your jewel box, or the number of followers you have on social media. You have talents and skills that you have developed over the years. You have battled hardships and won many victories against them. You do good work that makes you happy and proud. You try to be and ARE a good human. Affirm to yourself: "I am enough; strong enough, smart enough, eloquent enough, interesting enough, clever enough. I am enough." Finally, resolve to let the feeling go. But even after all this inner work, the tendency to compare can be a stubborn customer. Like me, you likely won't get it right 100% of the time, but you get better with practice.
I listened to Ashley and told her that she was not a bad person for feeling the way she was feeling. It is only human to feel, and feelings come packaged like snack boxes. There are snacks in the box that are good for you - like nuts - and there are snacks you might do well to avoid - like hard candies and buttery cookies. The key is to distinguish them and attempt to subdue the ones that are destructive. Mindfulness, reasoning, self-affirmation, and letting go are steps that can help you with that.
When I ended the call with Ashley, the storm outside had abated and a surreal quiet had descended on the streets. I knew Ashley was already on the first step to mastering her emotion. She had become aware of what she was feeling and why that was bad. Now onward to the next steps. I wished her luck and we said goodbye.