This topic comes up in many of my conversations, specifically from folks that are more introverted, quieter, shy. May be you have felt this yourself. Those infamous butterflies in your stomach. The racing of your heartbeat. The sudden flushing of your face, the instant drying of your throat.

You are in a meeting - most likely on Zoom or Microsoft Teams these COVID days - and you really REALLY want to say something. But you freeze. You just can't get the words out. You get flustered, nervous, and tongue-tied. This happens when you are about to deliver a talk to an audience as well. I am asked frequently how to overcome this panic. What are some ways in which one can contribute something meaningful in such discussions in a way that lands well with the audience?

First off, I get you. I truly, whole-heartedly get you.

I am an introvert at heart. I shy away from speaking in front of many people too. I have avoided my share of big parties in my life and I have felt the terror of forgetting my English words.

But I have also realized that getting better at communicating to groups of people is not just a skill that will help you excel at your job, but in careers like software building, it is almost table stakes. Software building is a team sport, and you get bigger things accomplished by influencing, sharing, and engaging with other people. So yes, despite not being in your comfort zone, it is something you WILL want to get good at.

Let's start with why you might feel the way you feel when speaking in public...

When you finish reading this post, do a favor for me, and take a blank sheet of paper. Find yourself some quiet time and a cozy spot to do some reflection. Think: what causes you to feel anxious when you are speaking in public? Here is a list of reasons I have discovered in myself or heard from others, with some antidotes that might help.

You have a need to be liked and approved by others

Wanting to be liked is only too normal. Humans are social animals, and our ancestors' survival has very often depended on being liked by the people surrounding them. But then, it's ok to be not liked by 100% of your people 100% of the time. It's ok. Give yourself that permission. How others react to you or your work or what you're saying is not truly in your control, so stop trying too hard to influence an outcome. You should always have your audience's interests and worldview in mind, but that is not all there is to it. Do the best to appeal to your audience, but remember you cannot control their reactions no matter how much you try.

You worry you don't know your material

Preparation and knowing your area well do go a long way to making you comfortable. But you likely know your material more than most people in the audience. Even if you don't know everything there is to it, what's the worst that can happen? You will learn something new from your colleagues, perhaps? It's not the end of the world.

You think you are not eloquent, not funny, not charismatic, not XYZ

But you are you, and your perspectives are worthy of being heard. People in your meeting are generally there for some benefit to themselves: to learn something new, get something done, etc. Unless you are a stage performer or a stand-up comedian, they are not there to be inspired by your eloquence or humor or appearance. Even if you are on camera, there is no need to perform to the camera. Focus on your content, be YOU, and things will be ok.

You are a perfectionist and you want to impress with perfection

In one of my favorite books, Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet remarks to Mr. Darcy: "We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room". May be that is not EXACTLY you, but you still highly value creating a great impression. But do remind yourself that you're only human and it's ok to be less than perfect. You don't need to impress your entire audience.

You think people are evaluating you for every mistake you make

Now, let's be real. People are generally caught up in their own worlds. The person they care about most is themselves. They are typically distracted, forgetful, and not that observant. Nine times out of ten, they are not looking for you to fail, in fact quite the opposite. And if they do notice something amiss, they are bound to forget it five days hence. The person that is likely to notice, remember, and not forgive any of your mistakes is...drum roll please...YOU. So don't be hard on yourself. Remind yourself that people will be people, and not your personal Chitraguptas.

You sense doubt and translate that to danger

This is not surprising. Your brain is built to do exactly that, and you should use every bit of emotional intelligence to thwart it. You are uncertain of an unknown outcome. Why should you not be? No one can predict the future accurately. Your brain translates that uncertainty to a threat signal. Your limbic system - that part of our brains that we share with reptiles - gets engaged quickly and you display the typical "fight-or-flight" response. When this happens, bring awareness to what is going on, and snap out of it. There is no real threat - you are not going to die - at the moment

You anticipate and catatrophize every failure

A classic cognitive distortion! You evaluate your situation pessimistically and therefore think your efforts are going to fail with all the certainty in the world. But no one can predict the future, remember? Also, that nightmare of you living under the bridge, sans pennies and friends, just because you screwed up something at work, is likely just that. A figment of your imagination.

You attach too much importance to the people surrounding you at work/social life

As you reflect, do this for me. Imagine ten years from now. Do you see the people you so want to get the approval of in your life? I know, I know, I just said you can't predict the future. But the point is that most people in your work life and social life today are transient. There are very few people that you should really give a sh*t about. These are your keepers, and select them carefully. The mentors you trust, the friends that make you better, the family that wants the best for you. These are people you can attach all the importance to, but they are not waiting for the moment you fail.

Liberate yourself. If your anxiety comes from serious medical issues, seek help. Otherwise, when you feel that racing heart, the sweat in your palms, take a moment to analyze the heart of your emotion. Develop antidotes and deploy strategies like above to deal with them. Slow down, pause, and remember to take breaths as you speak. Don't be monotonous, and try not to ramble. Rehearse if it's a big event and you are not up to winging it yet. Speak your audience's language, and do not cram your presentation with data. Tell a story with a beginning, middle, and an end. Be true to your own style - do not try to add jokes because someone else did so. Close well, smile, and have fun!