How to Train Your Fear
Sep 6, 2018
One of my dear mentees sent me an email recently.
“…I feel really thankful to have connected with you. You are inspiring and fearless, and a role model to many of us women.”
I LOVE this young woman’s note and am grateful that she took the time to write it. But it puzzles me. I do not think of myself as “fearless”. I am frequently in my fear zone. In a way, everyone should be. My friend calls it his "discomfort zone".
I was in my discomfort zone when I left my family in India and moved to the Americas. I was in it as I stood nervously waiting for my keynote demo to start, facing an arena filled with 12000 IT people. I was recently in it when I told my manager I was leaving my well-worn role and looking for a new one.
The goal, in my mind, is NOT to have an absence of fear, but an ability to deal with it. Over the years, I have developed a few ways to deal with my fears. Here is how I deal:
· I recognize and acknowledge my fear. First step to dealing with an issue is to acknowledge it. I take a deep breath and observe how my fear is coursing through my system. I feel heat rise up in my chest, and energy bubble in my hands. My breath goes shallow. These are my fear symptoms. I recognize them and admit to myself that “I am feeling fear”. Step one, done. It’s that simple.
· I remind myself I’ll not get out the door if I anchor on every single thing that can go wrong. It may be a dangerous business going out your front door, but you cannot live sheltered in a dungeon forever. That is not how life is meant to be lived. Your path may actually be peaceful, and help may come from many places when you find yourself in trouble.
· I hark back to all the times I survived what I thought was impossible. The more you put yourself in uncomfortable situations, the more you deposit experiences in your “self-confidence” bank account. When you face a tough situation, reviewing every one of those experiences can be of great help. (For this reason, you should often put yourself in situations where you can build your “self-confidence” bank account.)
· I reframe the idea of a blank page. A blank page – a new uncertain situation - signifies work. It signifies a possibility of failure. It is frequently the cause of many a writers’ block. What you write on a blank page may be terrible, but what you write may also be your next masterpiece. Your next beautiful poem. Reframe how you look at the blank page: A blank page can signify opportunity and possibilities. It can signify freshness and hope.
Ancient explorers are often touted as brave. I don’t think they lacked fear. Fear is an essential emotion – it is an evolutionary instinct to point us to immediate danger. But fear can become limiting when not properly dealt with. Ancient explorers were not fearless, they were masters at dealing with fear.
I feel discomfort/fear every time I stare at an unknown situation – an empty page. But I deal with it. Little by little, one can travel far. I remind myself I can always take a little step forward.
“…I feel really thankful to have connected with you. You are inspiring and fearless, and a role model to many of us women.”
I LOVE this young woman’s note and am grateful that she took the time to write it. But it puzzles me. I do not think of myself as “fearless”. I am frequently in my fear zone. In a way, everyone should be. My friend calls it his "discomfort zone".
I was in my discomfort zone when I left my family in India and moved to the Americas. I was in it as I stood nervously waiting for my keynote demo to start, facing an arena filled with 12000 IT people. I was recently in it when I told my manager I was leaving my well-worn role and looking for a new one.
The goal, in my mind, is NOT to have an absence of fear, but an ability to deal with it. Over the years, I have developed a few ways to deal with my fears. Here is how I deal:
· I recognize and acknowledge my fear. First step to dealing with an issue is to acknowledge it. I take a deep breath and observe how my fear is coursing through my system. I feel heat rise up in my chest, and energy bubble in my hands. My breath goes shallow. These are my fear symptoms. I recognize them and admit to myself that “I am feeling fear”. Step one, done. It’s that simple.
· I remind myself I’ll not get out the door if I anchor on every single thing that can go wrong. It may be a dangerous business going out your front door, but you cannot live sheltered in a dungeon forever. That is not how life is meant to be lived. Your path may actually be peaceful, and help may come from many places when you find yourself in trouble.
· I hark back to all the times I survived what I thought was impossible. The more you put yourself in uncomfortable situations, the more you deposit experiences in your “self-confidence” bank account. When you face a tough situation, reviewing every one of those experiences can be of great help. (For this reason, you should often put yourself in situations where you can build your “self-confidence” bank account.)
· I reframe the idea of a blank page. A blank page – a new uncertain situation - signifies work. It signifies a possibility of failure. It is frequently the cause of many a writers’ block. What you write on a blank page may be terrible, but what you write may also be your next masterpiece. Your next beautiful poem. Reframe how you look at the blank page: A blank page can signify opportunity and possibilities. It can signify freshness and hope.
Ancient explorers are often touted as brave. I don’t think they lacked fear. Fear is an essential emotion – it is an evolutionary instinct to point us to immediate danger. But fear can become limiting when not properly dealt with. Ancient explorers were not fearless, they were masters at dealing with fear.
I feel discomfort/fear every time I stare at an unknown situation – an empty page. But I deal with it. Little by little, one can travel far. I remind myself I can always take a little step forward.